Questions.

This week, many questions were posed to me and, invariably, they were thought-provoking.

During the interview with my Platoon Commander, or PC for short, one question he asked me was this: What is the best way to lead? It struck me for a while, and i perused over the virtual image of his sentence in my mind. Thankfully, instead of floundering, i soon found myself with a response that, though probably prone to attacks and rebuttals, i am convicted to stand by. i gave him a parallelism with Medicine, and presented him with a scenario of a patient coming in with various symptoms. Approaching several doctors, the patient finds that different doctors have distinct approaches, and on several occasions even varying diagnoses are made. This is puzzling, and absolutely profound, because different doctors are saying different things and instead of getting a concrete answer, and the patient finds himself getting nowhere and trapped in a web of ever-increasing questions. But this points to a fundamental problem that lies in each and every one of us - anything pertaining to human factors is, inevitably, subject complications and imperfection. Likewise, leadership offers no one-dimensional approaches or textbook methods which we can follow. There's no definite equation which we can use to produce ideal cause and effects. Inherently, we are all different. And different leadership styles suit different crowds of people. So i told my PC that i'm unsure of what exactly is the best way to lead. 

So what is the style i'd adopt then, should i get into command school (or even if i don't, i don't need to be a commander to be a leader anyhow)? The answer i gave him was that Christ, to me, is the epitome of what a leader should be. Christ, although existing in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:6-8). Christ, a rightful King, did not come to be served but to serve, and lowered himself - even washing his disciples feet. And we are called to imitate Christ - a servant leader. Though arguably, in the world, this style may not work for many, but nevertheless it'll be the style i'd adopt. To lead by example; to serve and not to be served. And this concludes the answer i gave him, and also myself.

***

Last night, during the walk back to the car after dinner, my grandfather placed his hand on my shoulder as he slowly and mechanically, hobbled along next to me. He asked me a series of questions that were, if i could put it in words, tautly haunting. How am i going to live now that i'm one-eye-blind? What if the other eye goes blind? i cannot be independent anymore but, on the contrary, i'll be dependent; a burden to those around me. How, dom?

His seriousness at that moment troubled me deeply. But it also reminded me of something i read from the novel which this blog is titled after by Dr. Sherwin B. Nuland. Blindness can be caused by many things and, in my grandfather's example more specifically, it's caused by delayed treatment of retina detachment. Similarly, other examples of our organs failing are cardiac arrest due to heart failure, liver failure, kidney failure, et cetera, of which many are life threatening and often fatal. But all these are part and parcel of growing old. Like the tyres of a car that wear off after long distances, our teeth similarly undergo wear and tear and drop off as we grow older. Our vital organs are the same - these failures are but manifestations of our cells undergoing wear and tear, and losing the ability to function as well as they did during our younger days. Thus, such problems are unavoidable, and are inexorable signs of old age. Thus, instead of what ifs and fear, we ought to embrace this very human virtue of ourselves. We humans are all social beings, and we rely on one another to survive. Hence, let us rid ourselves of the fear of burdening another being - we are/were/have been/will be dependent on someone else in some point of our lives, and there's no need to be ashamed of that. So what if blindness comes? We can still rejoice in the fact that smell, hearing, touch, taste, the ability to walk, breathe and talk, among many other things, still exist. And we can still rejoice in the fact that we're blessed with the privilege of family to support us through trying times. My answers left him speechless, perhaps even deluging him with thoughts and emotions, but it seemed to take away the aura of dread that shrouded him earlier that night. 

Hopefully, my thoughts serve to encourage him in his current predicament. i can only cross my fingers and pray.

Letter.

The toughest part of my BMT is over - the field camp. Despite being cut short due to the haze, it still carried on nonetheless, albeit being profoundly absurd. We set a record: the first and pioneer batch to have a sitest (Situational Test used to assess candidates suited for command school) indoors. Like i mentioned, the whole thing was a little absurd - brimming on ridicule - but i'm just glad the whole thing's over.

But it's only through the field camp that the ugly side of people is elucidated. The good are sorted from the bad like fresh catch from the rotten, and you see a multitude of different characters when people get tired and mentally exhausted. Drained of much of your energy, people turn lazy and often, do not bother about moving fast or keeping to the field discipline; many could not care less about helping those around them (and some even went to the extent of using less energy so others will have no option but to step in to assist). One soon learns to suppress annoyance; to exercise self-control; to display selflessness; to adopt love. For building up anger only serves to create a platform for more conflict, and does not deter or solve the main problem in any way. And i must admit, when i asked God to teach me what it means to be patient, this was definitely more than what i had in mind. But we got through, eventually. 

Yet the most resonant takeaway from the field camp stems from the moment we received our letters - letters which, written by our parents at the request of the SAF, are given to us after an emotional speech from the commanders and a backbreaking day digging what they call a shellscrape (a coffin-like hole in the ground where you're meant to prone in for cover). Opening the envelope, i found two letters - one from my mother and one from my father. My mother's letter was enough to move me deeply, but it was the sight of my father's long handwritten letter that got the tears flowing. He wrote about my volunteer work: that though they didn't talk much about it at home, they were exceedingly proud of me, and that i have a heart of gold. He wrote about how much they loved me, and how rooted they are in their belief that i'll excel and eventually get to study the course i'm so determined to get into, and how much support i already and will have in the days to come. Then he proceeded with encouragement from the Bible, and the whole thing left me inundated with emotion; stunned with speechlessness and tears. 

When i think back on it now, i can still remember my father's handwriting on that particular paper - the strokes; the curves; the ink; the words. i get a sense of deja vu as i remember the emotions i experienced that day. And i wonder to myself: God, my Father in Heaven, writes His letter to me in the form of the Bible. Shouldn't my reaction to His letter be the same - overflowing with joy and moved by His love to tears? Instead, i sin incessantly. i want and yearn for things that probably exist outside His will. i recently came to know about my friend whom, even after his unsuccessful appeal to NUS Medicine, got a letter of acceptance just yesterday. And i, foolishly and in delusion, went to check my mailbox with the hope that mine came too. Not surprisingly, i came back disappointed (i didn't even have to use the key to open the letterbox - looking through the opening, it was already clear that it was empty). Do i love God as much as i love my earthly parents? Do i love God as much as i love Medicine, for that matter? i have no concrete answer to that, and it shames me greatly.

God forgive my humanness. And Blessed Birthday, Mother.

Unsuccessful.

Well now i've received word that my appeal is unsuccessful. And i wonder to myself, have i lost hope? What is to become of my tomorrow without hope?

A myriad of emotions plague me despite my seemingly unbreakable exterior. Many people were expecting me to get in, yet i didn't. i don't think it's guilt i feel, because guilt is experienced when i've done something wrong. Instead, it's probably shame. Shame that i just wasn't good enough, and fell short of people's expectations. But that just goes to show that it's not men i'm pleasing, but God.

God closes many doors, and has been for a long time. i can only pray that He'll show me the path to take, despite seemingly leading me on toward NUS and then closing it then and now.

i've lost the hope to get into Yong Loo Lin Medical School. But faith, i won't. i can only apply the words of Proverbs 3:5-6. And that is to trust in the LORD with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make my paths straight.

Perhaps my journals serve more to encourage myself than updating you readers of my life.

Ambition.

Perish every fond ambition;
All i've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven, are still mine own.

This stanza was shared to me by one of the closest friends i have, despite the recentness of our acquaintances. Having shared many experiences together within this short few months - volunteer work, walking around the Geylang redlight vicinity and even venturing to China with me - i can safely say that i'm truly blessed with a profoundly genuine confidant. The words of this hymn resonate poignantly within me; emotionally compelling me to submit myself to God.

My dream of following in the footsteps of Dr. Lai Yong, and the several others who i've met along my life's journey, Dr. Loh, Dr. Liow, Dr. Ling Ling and Dr. Tan are such examples, to serve as a doctor in the poorer countries, is a dream i'd not give up so easily on. People tell me it's a noble ambition, but what's the implication of this? Is this more noble than the doctor who heals even though first going in for money? Or more than the lawyer who fights lawsuits for justice? Or more than the cleaner who sweeps the streets? i do not think so. Hence i do not wish to claim to be or to be seen as noble, but only as a servant wishing to serve. i'm seeking to do it for God, and not for men, anyhow.

That being said, all happens within the will of God. As the hymn goes, "Perish every fond ambition, all i've sought, or hoped, or known". If i should seek anything, it should be thus: one thing i ask of the LORD, and one thing i seek. To gaze upon the beauty of God, as better is one day in the house of God; to be His doorkeeper and servant, than a thousand days elsewhere.

Adaptive Camouflage.

Met up with a close friend today and spoke for a few hours over breakfast. It was a refreshing talk about our spiritual lives, updates on recent happenings and of course, engaged in deeper and thoughtful discussion about doctrinal history and of faith. But what i love about these talks is the fundamental opportunity it gives me to reflect on the words that come out on my own mouth, which on numerous occasions, surprise me.

You guys would already know by now that i've been rejected from NUS Medicine, the course of which i've dreamed about getting into for the longest time. Till now, still it remains the ideal school for me. Jules and i talked about dreams, hope, and faith. For the longest time i've always had dreams, regardless of how trivial they might seem - i dreamt to be a prefect as a schooling boy, but never was chosen to be one; i dreamt of representing my school in at least one final, but was always outshone by the better players in my team; i dreamt of captaining the school team, but there was always one person better and more capable than me; i dreamt of being a leader in the student council, but fell short at the voting process; i dreamt of entering the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine at the National University of Singapore, but failed to do so - but i've never once managed to see that dream come into fruition. And being in the army, as i've mentioned before, has given me ample time to think and reflect, and ask that essential question: why?

And that's when we talk about hope. Having been reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl recently, i stumbled upon his idea that creates the platform by which his theory is grounded: Man's last freedom (this tends to become philosophical, because i do believe that within the spectrum of our Sovereign God being in ultimate control, there exists human free will to make their own choices, which God allows according to His will) is to be able to choose one's own attitude in whatever given circumstance; to choose one's own way. His book draws the story of his own account from the Holocaust; his experiences in Auschwitz as a prisoner. Those who lost hope for tomorrow, as he found, often did not last much longer. On the contrary, those who held onto hope, be it even in the most trivial things like seeing the sun rise in his town again, or feel the touch of his wife again, just to cite examples, often found the strength to persevere through even the worse kinds of torture and inhumane living conditions. 

And while i initially would sit in my bunk wishing to trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday, hope for tomorrow is what i have now. Looking back, i realize how much of an impact these failures to attain my dreams have made on my life. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. It has humbled me tremendously. In our conversation Jules talked to me about me giving her advice whenever she needed, but who am i really to give advice? Who am i to educate, or teach? But God can use me - a nobody unable to accomplish his own dreams - to encourage through the mere imparting of my thoughts. And that is what i hope God can do in my life - to use the simple to do things for a great God, and not to do great things for God. 

i still cling onto the hope that my appeal going through and me being accepted will be part of God's sovereign will, and that with faith, somehow, i'd be able to study what i love to read about, and serve my NS in what i feel would be a more meaningful kind of way that suits my character. But again, having all philosophical thoughts as usual, i bear the words of James 4 in my heart. Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the LORD wills, we will live and do this or that." 

May my exterior be not just a mere adaptive camouflage masking my inner self, but a true reflection of what my heart desires.