You guys would already know by now that i've been rejected from NUS Medicine, the course of which i've dreamed about getting into for the longest time. Till now, still it remains the ideal school for me. Jules and i talked about dreams, hope, and faith. For the longest time i've always had dreams, regardless of how trivial they might seem - i dreamt to be a prefect as a schooling boy, but never was chosen to be one; i dreamt of representing my school in at least one final, but was always outshone by the better players in my team; i dreamt of captaining the school team, but there was always one person better and more capable than me; i dreamt of being a leader in the student council, but fell short at the voting process; i dreamt of entering the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine at the National University of Singapore, but failed to do so - but i've never once managed to see that dream come into fruition. And being in the army, as i've mentioned before, has given me ample time to think and reflect, and ask that essential question: why?
And that's when we talk about hope. Having been reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl recently, i stumbled upon his idea that creates the platform by which his theory is grounded: Man's last freedom (this tends to become philosophical, because i do believe that within the spectrum of our Sovereign God being in ultimate control, there exists human free will to make their own choices, which God allows according to His will) is to be able to choose one's own attitude in whatever given circumstance; to choose one's own way. His book draws the story of his own account from the Holocaust; his experiences in Auschwitz as a prisoner. Those who lost hope for tomorrow, as he found, often did not last much longer. On the contrary, those who held onto hope, be it even in the most trivial things like seeing the sun rise in his town again, or feel the touch of his wife again, just to cite examples, often found the strength to persevere through even the worse kinds of torture and inhumane living conditions.
And while i initially would sit in my bunk wishing to trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday, hope for tomorrow is what i have now. Looking back, i realize how much of an impact these failures to attain my dreams have made on my life. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. It has humbled me tremendously. In our conversation Jules talked to me about me giving her advice whenever she needed, but who am i really to give advice? Who am i to educate, or teach? But God can use me - a nobody unable to accomplish his own dreams - to encourage through the mere imparting of my thoughts. And that is what i hope God can do in my life - to use the simple to do things for a great God, and not to do great things for God.
i still cling onto the hope that my appeal going through and me being accepted will be part of God's sovereign will, and that with faith, somehow, i'd be able to study what i love to read about, and serve my NS in what i feel would be a more meaningful kind of way that suits my character. But again, having all philosophical thoughts as usual, i bear the words of James 4 in my heart. Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the LORD wills, we will live and do this or that."
May my exterior be not just a mere adaptive camouflage masking my inner self, but a true reflection of what my heart desires.
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